Adult Friendships, a Labor of Love.
Issue 007: Toni examines friendships through her TV binge rotation
Friendships between women are sacred, healing, and even thorny at times but worth the work. That's what friendship is: intentional emotional labor and commitment to being there for each other and evolving together. A fun night out or a catch-up chat with the girls can cure the arbitrary hiccups thrown from the universe that we all regularly experience. As an adult, maintaining the magic in friendships takes more than having a spark between one another; it all comes down to effort. My most recent TV rewatch cycle consists of Insecure and Sex and the City, the two famed HBO shows about girlfriends and their loving and convoluted relationships with each other.
Through the main characters of these series, I have a front-row seat to the victories and shortcomings of being a good friend. The writing reflects common errors in real-life friendships, and I love always having a takeaway (even if it means it's time for me to reflect and do better). Although the leads from each show are very different, they are both disorderly but sincere, with an uptight companion; this is a foreseeable cause of problems because opposing perspectives mixed with divisive themes in their relationships can either make it or break it. While weighing in on my thoughts on the matter, I will explore the issues that arise, how they handle them, and why these patterns are seemingly tied to friendships between women. Through keen observations, I hope this faux case study is not only entertaining but also beneficial to those who often think about growth within their friendships.
Meet Issa & Molly
Meet Carrie & Miranda
With countless representations of dynamic duos in television, there are clichés that we've seen, and we typically welcome them in hopes of the show escaping shallowness. Issa from Insecure and Carrie from Sex and the City are our protagonists. They are adaptable and tend to go with the flow and see where it lands them, whereas their best friends, Molly and Miranda, have an unyielding faith and frame themselves as more stringent in their decision-making. We know what entails in this common setup for friends, yet playing around with the possibilities makes it intriguing.
Known tropes of the "messy" friend usually involve:
Financial irresponsibility.
A tumultuous love life.
Constantly needing assistance to escape the self-destructive situations they find themselves in.
Known tropes of the "together" friend usually involve:
A more secure work life.
A self-proclaimed detachment from their love life to protect themselves.
Helping the "messy" friend until it drains them.
In season one, Issa is a youth liaison at a nonprofit organization. She bounces between loving what she does and feeling unfulfilled by her range of abilities within the company. In later seasons, she runs into complications with her living situation, needing to juggle working as a Lyft driver with her role at the nonprofit, and still appears to struggle. Although she has difficulty finding where she is appreciated, Molly is paid relatively well as a lawyer and can live more luxuriously since she has the means.
In season one, Carrie is a newspaper columnist whose income comes solely from her writing. With a rent-controlled apartment, she gets by fine and has enough funds to grow her iconic wardrobe consistently, even when it's not the most rational decision. Coincidentally, Miranda is also a lawyer who is usually devoid of money problems and lives comfortably with a tight schedule.
Issa is in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, Lawrence. As much as she loves him, she has grown tired of his comfortability in areas of his life that need progress. Their relationship is stagnant from her lens, and she finds herself thinking of new romantic prospects, yet their lengthy history holds her down. An old flame reenters Issa's life at the wrong (perhaps perfect) time, and temptation lowers her guard, resulting in a night that changes the course of her relationship in a way she isn't ready for. In hopes of finding the right one to pursue a long-term relationship with, Molly casually dates with a checklist in mind. She comes across men with blazing red flags waving from their foreheads as they open their mouths and also undermines the men who genuinely have the potential to make her happy. Satisfaction in Molly's love life doesn't come to her easily because everything needs to go her way, and there's a lack of desire for compromise.
Carrie and Miranda both start off without partners; their brand is being single in New York City and dealing with the highs and (mostly) lows of that specific dating scene. Carrie dates whoever she wants, her sexcapades only revolving around her and her needs, and making the most out of men she knows she won't be with for long. She quite literally stumbles across a man named Big, who changes her perception of what a relationship could and should be like. They become a toxic and draining pairing, unable to stay away from each other despite it not being in their best interest. Miranda's independence works its way into her dating life, weeding out unworthy bachelors. It also feeds into her loneliness as she is an inner hopeless romantic, although she isn't boy-crazy. Miranda is usually more aware of what she wants than not, believing that a certain kind of man is perfect for her, yet she finds herself entangled with the complete opposite: incredibly immature guys.
These duos sound like the quintessential "messy" and "together" friend pairing on paper, each with something in line with our known tropes. Most of these women's turmoil stems from their work and romantic lives. Everyone's love life is all over the place. In later seasons, even Molly and Miranda experience a dilemma that puts their career on the line, tugging at the cushion of comfort they've had in place. They're all a lot more similar than their characters like to believe. When hardships arise, they don't always show up for each other as they should. Lots of effort goes into tackling problems in their lives, so much effort that they often overlook the issues they have with each other. They all still hold the best friend title even through disagreements, and that's okay; best friends will always have disagreements. The real trouble is that they've let so many small things go that they've become more significant concerns as a whole, a growing space of resentment quietly held for each other that will inevitably erupt in their faces.
Here are the shared problems I've noticed between these pairs:
Communication issues.
A lack of boundaries.
Selfishness.
Centering men.
Regarding communication, Issa and Molly share their thoughts about each other's life choices (and not in the kindest ways at times), resulting in fallouts. They're quick to get nasty when things get heated, usually adding low blows to hurt each other's feelings. Here’s an excerpt from an argument they had near the end of the first season:
It's not like they haven't apologized before; they've recovered from this in the following episode. Issa initiates the apology by stating, "I'm really sorry for hurting you. And I can't imagine my life without you. You're my best friend and... You're my body goals." While she's playful, she manages to address the hurt and open a discussion about what they said about each other. Over time, they continue with this cycle, comfortable with their disrespect and concealing it under the vein of "keeping it real." I've had numerous "blunt" friends in my lifetime who thought that their assessments of my character were beneficial, but the delivery was mean-spirited and stopped me from understanding the significance of their points. I'm all for trying to help your friends come to terms with their faults so they can work on them, but there's a way to do it directly without targeting insecurities and tearing each other down. Everything's on the table for scrutiny since Issa and Molly are so close; however, they have no limits or set boundaries with how they present the information. Although they've accepted this way of conversing, the built-up tension from them never speaking about how they treat each other adds another layer, making all misunderstandings bigger than they should be.
While we're on the topic of miscommunication and boundaries, Issa and Molly's infamous season four fight at the block party that Issa organizes is a supreme demonstration of the deep-seated issues in this duo. Issa needs a headliner after her first choice dropped out. Molly's boyfriend, Andrew, works for Livenation and would be a neat connection to help with the event. Over the phone, Issa brushes off Molly's attempt to talk about what's going on in their lives and instead asks for a favor; her selfishness sours the overall experience for Molly. Later on, Molly's discontentment with her and Issa's friendship and paranoia about doing everything in her new relationship "right" results in her setting a boundary, refusing to ask her boyfriend to do Issa this favor because she would rather not get involved.
Issa's situationship turned friend, Nathan, is a close friend of Andrew. Through Nathan, she receives Andrew's help and gains a solid headliner for her event, which brings in a lively crowd. Molly is impressed by the turnout, but once she becomes aware that Andrew assisted, she confronts Issa:
This argument has a lot of nuance as it's a consequence of Issa and Molly acting like everything is fine between them instead of addressing their problems. Their boiling resentment is finally at the forefront, no longer tucked under their passive-aggressive and (not so) cordial interactions. Everyone can draw different conclusions, and it's a great representation of how flawed our logic can be in our friendships, yet our own motives can skew our perception of the situation.
From Issa's point of view, she didn't technically involve Molly. She used her resources and connected with a friend of Andrew's to make this happen, not his girlfriend. After having trouble finding stability and work that she's passionate about, the block party was an opportunity for her to launch a new career. The event's outcome is critical to her, and she was willing to make it work by any means. Molly's boundary came off as a copout to not show up for her since they aren't exactly on good terms, and Molly has casually slighted her when they are around their other friends. Seeing Molly's attitude towards her, the decision not to help could've been out of spite, but with such a considerable weight on the success of her future, she found a way that felt morally acceptable to her.
From Molly's point of view, Issa disrespected her and her relationship by finding a way to draw her boyfriend into helping with the event. When she initially denies the offer to help, she states, "I just think it's best for me to keep those parts of my life separate." Molly and Andrew's relationship is going fairly well and has structure because she's working on her issues with compromise. Her priority is protecting this, even if it means leaving her best friend to struggle because her luck or lack thereof with men has been a long-running source of her unhappiness. Andrew willingly helped, telling Molly, "I didn't think you'd be mad that I helped your best friend." Already fed up with her failed attempts to talk about their friendship and being the "together" friend, consistently lending a helping hand, Molly didn't appreciate this action on Issa's part.
While there are many layers here, it truly comes down to miscommunication. While Issa has a fluidity in her life that can be frustrating to those around her, she did the best she could to help herself. While Molly wanted to set a boundary, its vagueness stems from not wanting to speak to Issa at all. Additionally, Molly weaponizes her boyfriend as if he doesn't have control over his actions, as if he couldn't have declined himself if he didn't want to help. They both invalidate each other and resort to meanness because they don't see eye to eye. Like in their earlier argument, Issa brings up Molly's insecurity regarding relationships and her role in its absence of longevity. Molly rebuttals by telling Issa that she uses everyone around her to her advantage, always needing someone to save her.
Life goes on, and they stop talking. Their work and dating lives are in order, and they don't need each other, right? Then, in the season four finale, Issa and Lawrence's once blissful attempt at being together again abruptly becomes strained because of the news that his ex-girlfriend is carrying his child. Molly and Andrew's relationship ends when he realizes it's become too hard, and there's no longer a desire to fight for their love or what once was. Ultimately, Issa and Molly put their pride aside and return to each other to meet up. Even with success and failure, men and no men, they're both unwilling to live without the impact of a valued friendship.
Carrie and Miranda are pretty honest with each other and don't beat around the bush when addressing their problems. They communicate when needed but are only sometimes gentle with their delivery. Their apologeticness towards each other allows them to work out their issues, although their repeated behaviors continue in their personal lives. In season three, Carrie and Miranda get into it when Carrie shares that she plans to see Big, her irresistible heartbreaker. Check it out below:
As you can see, just mentioning Big's name is enough to evoke such a strong reaction from Miranda, considering how much he has put Carrie through. From a best friend standpoint, it's not easy watching someone so close to you suffer at the hands of another person, especially a person who shows no signs of change and knows that your friend will come back every time. Overcome by emotion, Miranda reminds Carrie of who she's dealing with and how she can be once he enters her life again, a brutal reality check she wasn't expecting. Gagged by Miranda's boldness, Carrie deflects and projects onto her because her feelings are hurt. She doesn't want to be the only person who makes mistakes, and she's not, but she makes Miranda rethink her dealings with men, even though it's about Carrie's (ongoing) poor decision.
Carrie's critique of Miranda is about how she leaves situations once she finds a flaw or when they no longer serve her, implying that her rigidness is also a character defect. Truthfully, Miranda just has boundaries. Her ex-boyfriend Steve is one of the immature guys I mentioned earlier. Miranda didn't like being the adult supervising him as he gave in to his impulses and carelessly dodged security. Her "writing people off" can be good, especially in this case, if she knows that her relationship isn't going to work. Since Carrie's boundaries aren't as solid, she continually gets mixed up with Big and is ready to let him back into her life, even with their tortuous history. Hearing about this so bluntly makes Miranda the bad guy, all because she doesn't always believe in second chances, and rightfully so. Personally, I think Miranda could've said it nicer; however, this is a buildup of anger from Carrie's stubbornness when it comes to Big and her incessant need to make everything about the men in her life.
Carrie's lack of boundaries causes her to only make space to talk about men and expect endless support from her friends through her cycles of disappointment with Big. Miranda says, "I don't want to know anything about it. I mean it, Carrie. No calls, no crying." It's very selfish of Carrie, and it's not something new. Although it's commonplace to discuss the drama in our lives with friends, it's almost as if she invites it and wants Miranda to have the same level of enthusiasm for her exhausting choices. In the season two premiere, Miranda has had enough of her friend group. She vocalizes how their constant need to mention men every time they spend time together is wholly unproductive:
See, not new.
While Miranda engages in the group's conversations about men, it can be redundant when they no longer speak about their feelings without that aspect. She's the only one who can completely separate herself from the idea of men and their effect on her, even when the others make her feel crazy for doing so. Whether it's a new boyfriend, a new ex-boyfriend, or good sex or bad sex, none of this consumes her life. Miranda's active decision to choose herself shouldn't villainize her and make her the cynical and stern friend, but more so, the balanced friend they should be taking notes from.
To a fault, Miranda says things that sting, which can detract from the help she's trying to give. She's usually the voice of reason within her group, yet her execution has everyone walking on eggshells. In the store, Carrie initially lies about her plans, sensing that Miranda's reaction to what she's actually doing won't be relatively positive; Miranda proves her point and comes off as apathetic to Carrie's news. She isn't totally cold and callous, and she holds empathy for Carrie, which is shown through her determination to prevent her from making the same mistakes. Realistically, that will land differently than she wants, making Carrie trust her less. Carrie is a grown woman who makes her own choices, and as passionately as Miranda may want her to avoid destructive actions, she can only do so if she wants to. While she doesn't have to support her decisions, she shouldn't push her away; the middle ground is letting her learn her own way and being there from a distance. As someone with no issues setting boundaries, she dropped the ball on implementing one in her friendship, which could've saved them from hurting each other.
Even after a fight, the love and care don't just dissipate. There's still the habitual urge to communicate and, hopefully, right each other's wrongs. Both women pick up the phone to hear each other's voices and fill the foreign silence they've been experiencing to mend their friendship:
Miranda apologizes for her take on Carrie's character, parting with her preferred way of Carrie handling her business. She's willing to let Carrie be Carrie and eases the foot she put down, knowing deep down that she couldn't leave her in a position to struggle alone. While it's a bend in her boundary, it seems doable out of sheer love for Carrie. Still unaware of her selfishness, Carrie means well and seeks some of Miranda's wisdom. The rewarding part is that she actually listens.
The "messy" friend, the "together" friend, and women who don't exactly fit into those descriptions have all likely run into these problems in their friendships. These pairs are unalike but similar due to shared experiences and the unanticipated art of trial and error in becoming good friends. From birth, we're all spoon-fed the model of the ideal woman through our upbringings, media, and interactions with people as we grow. The ideal woman is good at everything, especially how she operates in her interpersonal relationships. She's warm, friendly, selfless, and nurturing, and this, too, should be instilled in us, but not all of us are taught how to be good friends. Oftentimes, we're taught how to be the perfect romantic partner, and even those teachings fall flat. Frankly, sometimes we aren't good people, and that translates into our friendships. We make mistakes, we suck, but we also live and learn, and we can get better.
My HBO ladies were able to apologize and move on despite the awkwardness, the challenge of upholding their humility, and the fear of the friendship being over. They all chose to do this labor because of their importance to each other. It's not easy, but when it's worth it, it's worth it. History brings comfort, and with too much comfortability over time, efforts can become lost. It's a normal obstacle in a long-term friendship, and it can either be resolved or be the determining factor in someone making their exit. How I want to navigate my friendships in my adulthood has been on my mind for a while, and honestly, I'm still having a tough time finding a clear path. For all I know, there is no clear path, but what's real are my intentions and how I put them into effect.
I've been both the "messy" friend and the "together" friend. My friends' lives don't revolve around my problems, and their problems don't revolve around mine. I'm still working on my communication issues; I used to be the infamous ghoster in my friendships! The past me had a reason to justify it, although I see the situations so differently now. My boundaries are finally more apparent and necessary to me, and I don't struggle to enforce them because I refuse to let my well-being go over anyone else's. In order to show up and be a good friend, I have to put myself first. As a lesbian woman in a patriarchal society, decentering men was a part of my breakthrough. I still actively dismantle this way of thinking to ensure my friends and I can see the value in ourselves and hold platonic intimacy just as high as other forms. All of these issues require continuous work.
My point is that being a good friend is a journey. None of us are perfect. We can't guarantee that we'll always excel, but we can be honest and vocal about our stumbling blocks and how we plan to overcome them. My friendships have shone a light on my life that covered me in love, support, and grace during triumphs and tribulations. I have countless core memories with friends that helped shape me into who I am today. I don't think anyone's crazy about labor, and we're all tired, burnt out, you name it; however, having a friend who moves with purpose and doing that for them too is a labor of love if I've ever seen one.
I really resonated with this! Especially when you called yourself out for being the “ghosting friend” (me too😔). It’s really helped me to view friendships as relationships that need just as much work as, if not more than, romantic relationships to maintain. As I’ve grown older, I’ve started appreciating my friendships so much more, too, maybe because they become more rare and precious.
I loved this so much, omg? I read it so fast.
I'm a big Insecure fan, but I've never watched Sex and the city, but I enjoyed reading every part of this.
This also came at a great time for me because I've been thinking about intentionality in friendships and trying to understand how I want to navigate my friendships in adulthood, just like you said. This has made me see the importantance of speaking kindly (even when delivering harsh truths) and boundaries.
Thank you for this. I really enjoyed reading it.