Birthday Cheers!

Issue 013: Reflections on Toni's 23rd trip around the sun

Eighth Grade (A24). Coincidentally, this film was released on my bday :)

Today is my birthday. When I first thought about writing a piece for this special occasion, I had two Antonias in mind to dedicate it to: 4-year-old me with a glimmering birthday headband and a Disney princess dress, and 22-year-old me with a baggy old shirt and pj pants, both on top of the world in their ways, both with endlessly changing horizons. I've come a long way; there are many things little me would be so shocked to know about older me, and I reached new heights at 22 without expecting them any time soon. At the start of the year, I had many feelings about turning 23, lots of them regarding fear, uncertainty, and just the plain old detachment from growing older and what that means when you haven't got everything figured out. Truthfully, this happens every year because, in true Antonia fashion, I've never had anything figured out, but the weight of my worries lessens more and more. Despite life's messiness and unpredictability, I still love living it. I love waking up in this body and experiencing all of the spontaneity the universe brings to me, and it's an immense blessing to do so. Leading up to this day, 23 felt intimidating, this eerie phantasmal aura hanging over my shoulder. Here we are now, and all I can feel is exhilaration. Cheers to the Antonia entering this new birth year!

Cheers to embracing my sensitivity. Each astrological sign has conventional characteristics that people love to weigh in on and criticize for shits and giggles, and the "crybaby cancer" dig has been a part of my identity from strangers and acquaintances alike for the longest. This trait no longer resonates as an insult to me; my sensitivity is a vital prowess. Experiencing big emotions for every little situation is no easy task, I won't lie, but as I learn to control them more while remaining in tune with what I'm feeling, I can latch onto my humanity as much as possible. My sensitivity has expanded to vast vulnerability. It's needed to process complex situations, make and sustain connections, and understand others' feelings as yours. I've noticed that it also allows me to see what behavior and treatment are acceptable vs. intolerable, something that I struggled with when I would stifle my sensitivity in fear of taking everything too personally. I'll continue defying shame and continue wearing my heart on my sleeve. Being a big ol' softy isn't a burden but rather a gift that grants me the ability to stay present and exercise sincerity in all pursuits.

Cheers to saying "no." As a near-ex-people pleaser, everything is about me now. Word to Kim Cattrall: "I don't want to be in a situation for even an hour where I'm not enjoying myself." I tend to put the feelings and needs of others before myself, and that has made me succumb to unhappiness out of dissatisfaction with what I was receiving. I still have the urge every now and then to operate this way, but I'm choosing me. Saying "no" helps me weed out those who didn't have my best interest in mind and only desired yes men. Life is too short not to exercise free will and protect my peace. I do what I want when I want, and that's not an issue with the people that care about me. It feels really good to be aware of my autonomy and tend to my wants first.

Cheers to less picky eating. To be clear, this is not a jab at my picky eaters! I truly get it because I have remained in this community for most of my life. To someone with a broader palate, I'm still picky; however, I've been able to consume foods I swore off in the past, and I'm determined to lean toward new dishes instead of what I'm already highly comfortable with. Watching television surrounding passionate chefs and even everyday people on social media trying and executing inspiring ideas has opened my eyes to how I've been limiting myself. The culinary world has so much to offer, and letting my guard down to enjoy this is a great act of love.

Cheers to being brave. I let fear control a significant portion of my life, and while it resulted in stagnancy in personal goals and creative endeavors, time still went by regardless. In truth, I didn't give myself the time of the day due to insecurity and not wanting to be perceived. I constantly believed in the greatness of others and sat idly, ignoring my own capabilities. This newsletter is a perfect example of me finally taking a chance and trusting myself. It didn't happen overnight, either! I had months of internal back and forth, wondering if my voice mattered and would be worthy of a read, and to be here today with a 13th issue out is insane in the best way. I never thought my work would be so compelling and entertaining to myself, let alone others. I feel confident and unbound, and I'm excited to keep taking leaps that could land me unique opportunities. My courage was always there, simply lying beneath the surface until it reached a boiling point. Graciously, I now firmly believe my energy and what enlightens me should be experienced, recognized, and appreciated, and I won't suppress that for anyone.

Cheers to another year of stepping into the woman I want to be, to another year of possibly meeting new people that I will experience and love, to moments of joy, to moments of laughter, and to fun, my forever favorite. Cheers to 4-year-old me and her dreams; although they may have changed, they are still progressively coming true. Cheers to being the coolest girl in the world. Happy birthday to me!